9.Discussing

I have described so far only two of my flaws. My third one is my imagination. A gift, I usually consider it, and as I am writing now, I think it is my salvation. But then, as I was walking away from the party at Miss Modesty's picnic, I tortured myself with plots of what was to come. This is how I was thinking while pacing through the trees:

He will come to me, and I just have to wait. I shall hear him say, 'do not leave', and I will ask him again, 'which of us do you love?'. And he will look at me in despair, and I will say, 'oh, just as I thought!' and he will come closer, and he will whisper how I have charmed him from the very first moment, how I have been superior to all of the other girls in his eyes, and how long he has waited to tell me this! How perfect it will be then, and no Miss Modesty or Miss Hatred or even Mr Daring will come into my mind, but only he will be there! How I love him, deeply and truly, and how I will laugh at my struggles then!

I was deep in thought when I finally heard his footsteps. I turned, glowing with happiness.

But there was Miss Fellow instead.

"Miss Gloom, why did you leave the party? You should really come back. A gentleman has asked for you!"

A gentleman, indeed? "Mr Hope, I guess?"

"Oh, no, my dear Miss Gloom, Mr Hope has left; though Mr Daring is very eager to see you!"

I turned pale at hearing this. Mr Daring was the last person I wanted to see, and that made me even bitterer. "Miss Fellow, I appreciate that you have come to announce me, but I am not in the proper state of meeting him."

"But what is it?", she said compassionately. "I am sure something has happened, for you were so lively just ten minutes ago! Do tell me, perhaps I can comfort you."

"No, there is nothing to be told, Miss Fellow, I truly thank you; I just wish I had not come in the first place, and perhaps I wish I had not met him at all..."

"Who, Mr Daring?"

Of course she did not know who I was referring to. But if I told her whereto my feelings were directed, wouldn't she be startled and let everyone know?!"

"Mr Daring is a stranger to me, I believe, and he is not too much of a trouble to me."

"Do tell me, Miss Gloom, do tell me, for I believe I can help you, for, you know, I have met everyone here and perhaps I can do something to improve your state."

This went too far and I had to end it, but I could not think of a decent way to do it. I told her rapidly, "Miss Fellow, you have done far too much for me and I cannot thank you enough, but this is a matter that I must deal with alone."

"I see, then; I beg your pardon, Miss."

After she left, the very first set of tears came out of their haven and wet my face; as I was wiping them away, since I was not very comfortable with the feeling of crying, I closed my eyes and at last saw how miserable I had come. How many expectations I had had, and how untrue, unlikely to become true, I had been so wrong, and Mr Hope, that odious Mr Hope, was only to blame!

For why would he come to me and tell me I was a great study to him, if he left the next moment to meet Miss Modesty?! And even so, why would he even lengthen the acquaintance if he thought it would have brought him no good?! Why had he picked me to steal my attentions, so that I would blame myself entirely?! Why did I even know him, and why did I care so much about him?

This question remained unanswered for several months, and, were I asked now if I knew the answer, I would still speak up my unawareness.