Chapter 20

As Lilian laid the words on the paper, her mind was somehow distracted from it; it was clearly a mistake that she was at home. Hitherto her education had not let her wish to be anywhere else; yet now, reviewing her state, she wished she had never left Wharton Park and its inhabitant. "There is nothing to change, I am afraid;" this thought haunted her as she wrote the account of the passed events, not forgetting to mention how unwelcome Mr Taylor was in her eyes.

I hope I did not cause you too much distress; I am rather useless at home, and would rather spend the rest of my whole life travelling than knowing that at home there are strangers that might bring me vexation.

 This was her last phrase; she sealed the letter and then wondered what she could possibly do. Taylor's presence in her home forbade her to perform anything usual. The pianoforte was placed in the sitting-room where he was seated; her drawings were somewhere there as well; she left her books when she arrived in the library, which could only be entered by passing the sitting-room. The single distraction appeared to be walking, yet she was not eager enough to head outdoors. 

 And then she remembered her friend, Mrs Ford. 

 Dear Mrs Ford, Lilian began therefore, sinking in her thoughts.

 That evening and the following days passed however without her knowing, and overhearing a conversation between Miss Cassandra and Emily some time later, there appeared a reason for Lilian to be joyous again. She was just entering the sitting-room to get a book she had left in the library when Cassandra's exclamation was heard.

 "Did you know," she began her account, "that Mr Taylor is to leave by Saturday? I was so convinced that he would stay with us at least a month! Now that he has to leave, I cannot see how I will bear to be without his dear, dear company."

 "You must not be alarmed, for Mr Barnes is to come next week to take his place; he announced Joseph in a letter that he was determined to call on us. I wonder if Lilian knows," Emily added.

 Although Lilian was positively surprised at the leaving of the one and the coming of the other, she was however struck by Emily's easiness at saying simply 'that Mr Barnes is to come, but I doubt Lilian's knowledge of it.' It was clearly a vexing trouble to Lilian, but as she heard her sister continue in a good-humoured manner that she thought Mr Barnes had considered one letter to be enough to cause happiness to the party, Lilian's spirits rejoiced.

 Mr Barnes was indeed expected at Barton Hall by almost every soul that walked its floor. The two exceptions were surprisingly very varying in reasons. The first being little Joseph, whose acquaintance of Mr Barnes could hardly be called real, and - being very unexpectedly eager to seek his absence - Mr Taylor, who gave but little signs of despise towards the approaching guest. Lilian's sharp eye noticed though a change of colour on his complexion when hearing of his coming and became then sure that the arrival of the latter should bring her as much happiness as it brought misery to the 'dear, astonishing Mr Taylor.'

"Mr Barnes!, you are here at last!," Lady Elizabeth cried when seeing him at Barton Hall. "We all have been looking forward to welcoming you, and I assure you," she then approached in a whisper, "that my eldest daughter has longed to see you most; never have I seen her so low-spirited, you must be her only salvation. Mr Taylor is a great companion, but apparently it has not made Lilian very lively." Then turning and seeing her daughter blush, she said in a calm tone, "Lilian, look who has arrived!"

 "Miss Barton," he then said, "our last meeting ended rather unpleasantly; my cousin and I were very puzzled, but after receiving your letter I realized how amusing this affair actually was."

 "How is your cousin?", she added, seeing that her mother would not go and leave them.

 "She is well, I guess; after your leaving she departed as well." Then, at noticing that Lady Elizabeth had left, he added, "You must have observed that I cannot stay too long by myself."

 "I have not, I am afraid; but now that you have mentioned it, I shall never doubt it."

 The encounter had been too pleasant to Mr Barnes, therefore it had to be somehow spoiled; he found no pleasure in meeting Mr Taylor, though he expressed in a cold manner a great delight to meet him again. They were both seated and the party therefore consisted of Lady Elizabeth, Sir William, Mr and Mrs Holmes, the Holmes sisters, Mr Taylor, Lilian and Mr Barnes. The awkward silence had lasted for some time until Emily, in her great spirits as usual, considered Mr Taylor to be very quiet and asked him whether it was because of the size of the party.

 "I am not sure, Mrs Holmes. I was quite enjoying my time here when the respectable Mr Barnes came in." Mr Barnes, smiling significantly at Lilian, replied in spite of the utter amazement of the others:

 "Be a gentleman, Taylor; you cannot be that vexed at my coming. I forgot long ago how pleasing your manners are, and that is perhaps why I came; do not disappoint me."

 "How chosen your words are," the other replied, a strange anger appearing in his eye, "I assume you had them prepared for our meeting."

 The conversation proved itself to be unpleasant for the rest of the party, and that is why Emily suddenly stated, "I do not know how we can all stay indoors when the weather promises well; you must all join me, I beg!" Then, looking at her husband, she added, "You must, indeed." Therefore, the party rose; Lilian remained one of the last to leave the house, for she wished to walk by Mr Barnes' side and ask him for an explanation.

 Seeing this in her eyes, he lengthened the silence no longer by saying, "Miss Barton, I apologize for startling you and your family. I doubt you have ever hated anyone; disliked, yes, I am sure. But hate is different and I am afraid there are no words to describe it. I can barely do it justice when saying it is incontrolable and with little chance of being cured."

 "That is what keeps you distant towards Mr Taylor?"

 "Distant?", he laughed, "it is in my opinion much more than an attitude of restrain. But why should that bother you?", and then seeing her broad smile continued, "I have noticed how great a companion he is to you. Why should I be the one to change this fantastic opinion?"

 She approached and said with a significant tone - a tone full of sarcasm and cynicism, imitating the affected voice of Mr Taylor - "indeed, Mr Barnes; you have spoiled my pleasure too many times; I cannot think of the countless times you have prevented me from enjoying my conversations with the agreeable Mr Taylor."

 This speech surprised him positively, determining him to laugh heartily while Lilian gazed into his eyes finding in them compassion and understanding.

Hidden Atmosphere

Have you ever wondered why the skies are never red

Have you ever noticed the way the stars are led

You have never doubted their existence, why now?

Have you ever changed your mind as you saw them move

Have you ever asked for it, and when you hadn't proof

Your poor justice is far too wrong, the chance is gone.

So why now can't you see how they gleam to you?

Why now something still won't do?

Have you ever given a chance to make a change?

Have you ever seen how it won't fit your range?

Have you ever gazed into the sky's eyes

Have you ever been betrayed by your own lies?

Wait until you see, these will no longer be.

Place The Blame

Oh, in what depth your thoughts now swim

With what serenity your eyes still gleam!

My dearest lost friend, please speak up your mind

After all, there are still reasons to find.

Alas, you've put the blame on the guilty

Say that my inner soul is too filthy

I need not be called innocent,

Didn't you want to be so?, then look at the present;

Oh, in what depth your thoughts now swim!

Never

Never have I seen such narrow-minded creatures

Their stupidity - expressed in every feature

My only wish concerning them and their constant fall

Is that of never confronting them at all.

Chapter 19

Little Joseph's illness proved itself by no means dangerous. Lady Elizabeth, when writing to Lilian, considered the five distinct doctors' opinions to be too varying to matter; therefore, she pretended there had been none. Lilian, arriving filled with negative thoughts, was startled at her mother's behaviour.

"Maman, why did you avoid letting me know the real cause of his sickness?", she scolded Lady Elizabeth immediately after her return.
"My dear - oh, Lilian - forgive me for hiding the truth, and let me tell you the actual reason for my calling you home. You see," she then said, "Mr Taylor arrived last week and we found him very agreeable; his manners were exceedingly good and a very smart young man he was; it was enough to persuade us to believe that nothing could make us dislike him. Indeed, he is a great gentleman; very well, Lilian, I shall tell you - on the eve of the day I wrote you the letter - that is three days ago - he came smiling and suddenly, who knows his reasons, he began talking about you. He knew far more than I had expected, but what can I say, the Holmes sisters had used to be your intimate friends before you left; alas, I heard him saying that it was a great pity that he had not come before your leaving -"
"Why is that, maman? I cannot yet explain his conduct; I already consider him excessively unpleasant for thinking himself," Lilian answered with a shocked air, "well, worthy of an intimate knowledge of myself."
"Dear, he only knew that you enjoyed reading and painting - that is all, I guess."
 "It is however true that I have never given further details to the sisters," she mumbled to herself, waiting for her mother's continuance.
"Well, he then explained how he had come to warn me upon Mr Barnes. You must know, Lilian, that Mr Barnes has a very strange past and-"
"Maman, I shall not bear you to talk of him like that. I assure you that Mr Barnes' past is if not bright, at least ordinary and flawless."
 "My dear, did you know, since you state you're fully aware of his character, that a particular young lady's father had once asked him to propose her? Mr Barnes had refused, and that poor young woman had to endure shame and disappointment."
"I can relate this incident to his sayings; that lady is surely his married cousin, Mrs Downey, and her father did not - at least in my knowledge of the matter - persuade him to marry her. Mr Barnes clearly told me that he would never marry one of his cousins."

 "You cannot be that sure; think only, Lilian, that Mr Barnes turns eight-and-twenty this year; his cousin is a little younger than him, and was she not married, I believe they would have been a great match."

 "Mother, his cousin is now married to a respectable man in Richmond; I doubt her being still attached to Mr Barnes."

 With this she ended the conversation, leaving her mother reflecting upon her own beliefs.

 Lilian was heading outside when her sister came to her; Emily was in high-spirits but the conversation turned to an unpleasant subject.

 "I hope that Mr Taylor calls on us before we leave, Lilian. You shall find him outstandingly agreeable."

 "I most sincerely doubt it. In my eyes, he should leave and never come back again."

 "How disappointingly you esteem him! You have not met him yet, I truly believe you will change your mind concerning him."

 "Nevertheless, Emily, he has quite neglected my good opinion - not a move has he done to win it. Presuming Mr Barnes' character is, well, very foolish of him. Mr Barnes has a heart of gold and such kindness is rarely encountered. Nothing shall change this."

 "When he came that day I was just exiting the room. I barely heard something of what he said, but I quite remember him saying that you should not have gone to Wharton Park."

 "What manners and well-breeding he proves to have! How can he come to us and advice mother in such a concern?!", Lilian added, clearly disturbed of his impertinence.

 "You must forgive him, dear sister; look there, Lilian, I think I can see him coming," Emily pointed as a man was approaching.

 "Mrs Holmes, it is such a delight to meet you," he said in a deep voice.

 "Mr Taylor, let me introduce my sister, Lilian."

 At this Lilian looked meaningfully at her sister, as if she was embarrassed to meet his acquaintance. "Miss Barton," he then said, bowing; her reply was almost cold and she could only hope that his 'most agreeable manners' should prove themselves just as she thought of them - incredibly affected, with no sign of true emotion, in an obvious contrast with the artless conduct of her dear Mr Barnes.

 Mr Taylor's behaviour could betray nothing of his lying, yet Lilian was determined to act like she was not pleased with his presence. No once could then understand her, for both her mother and her sister were engaged in a lively conversation with him about nothing else than - well, Miss Cassandra's presents from Mr Taylor. Forgetting to save her nerves for more important affairs, Lilian began repeating to herself, "Mr Taylor, Mr Taylor, Mr Taylor, Miss Cassandra - how pleasant, agreeable, charming and amiable they both are! Why do not they marry and set off for a living in, oh, in the farthest corner of the kingdom! Yes, this should be very pleasing for us all; no, I believe maman and Emily should be very vexed at their living. I already hear them saying, "pray, Mr Taylor, spend at least the following fortnight at Barton Hall! We shall all be excessively pleased; I wonder how I can still bear my own situation." While caught between these thoughts, an idea struck her. "Why do not excuse myself and leave this miserable view and write a letter to Mr Barnes? I have almost forgotten that he knows nothing of what happens here. Yes, this is the best way to get rid of Mr Taylor and his accomplishments."

 "Maman, I forgot to tell you that Mr Barnes had asked me to write him immediately and offer him an account of little Joseph's state. Pray excuse me -"

 And as she was rising, her mother declared, "I cannot find a reason why you would not do this later, Lilian. I am sure that Mr Taylor's accounts of his estate will intrigue you."

 "I am afraid that I have to fulfil my engagement as soon as possible. Pray excuse me."

 With this she felt a feeling of great relief - Mr Taylor was indeed far too amiable; this made him, as Lilian considered, extremely repellent. She wondered how her sister and her mother found him charming. Almost entering her chamber, her mind turned to Mr Holmes. She doubted not that he was in the same situation; being held against his own inclination by Mr Taylor, wrapped in despise towards him, disliking him every moment passed - yes, Mr Holmes surely would agree with her. He was found strolling around the house with little Joseph thinking deeply upon something that Lilian was eager to know.

 "Mr Holmes, I assumed you were walking outside, for the weather is just fine for it; but," adding a little humour and sarcasm to her tone, "I cannot quite understand why you are not inside, deeply engaged in conversation with the most charming Mr Taylor."

 Catching the true sense of her remark, he replied joyously, "Well, Miss Barton, it is of little importance. Mr Taylor would rather converse with a dozen of ladies than with a single gentleman. He is by no means one of the sportsmen I hold so dear. He talks nothing but books, ladies wear, furniture and tea sorts. I wonder how he is so successful at charming young women."

 "Mr Holmes, I have always found a true friend in you! You cannot possibly understand the pleasure you cause me by saying this. I have dreaded this man since the first time your sister Cassandra spoke of him. Such an unpleasant man! If only he had read the specific kind of poetry I like, that would have made a tolerable subject. But in this state, I cannot quite determine whether to go back to Wharton Park or run away from home."

 "I have always considered you a more suitable wife for me than your sister," and seeing her change of colour continued, "do not be surprised, Miss Lilian; you know that I constantly say outrageous things and I cannot be cured. How is our mutual friend, Mr Barnes?"

 "He could not be better, although I left quite in a hurry and left him and his cousin in wonder. I was just heading to my chamber when I remembered that you were here too. How is little Joseph?"

 "Far too healthy for the doctors' diagnostics; I believe he has never been ill at all, but what is it compared to an affectionate grandmother and a teasing mother like Emily?"

 "Quite true, Mr Holmes. Well, I shall leave you for I need to write the letter to our friends," and saying this, she left.

Windy Mind - The Apology

How sad that I would see that face again - its alarming eyes warned me, as I set off to complain about what my own hands had written and my own voice had stated. But then, was I truly prepared? I even lied upon my wisdom, considering it strong enough. But its efficience was by no means real. God proved me wrong; much more were to come, and I barely thought about any of them. Back then, my only solid excuse was my unawareness, my unborn power of truly portraying a being that - not as I was thinking in those lonely times - was superior to me.

As I thought more of it, my senses failed to see what was obvious. Right before me stood a large series of feelings that continually admitted that I had been wrong. It was not him that I had judged wrong - it was my own character that was screaming with no chances to be heard.

This was somehow an end to the stupid and extravagant irony in my conduct. But scarcely had I believed this, that the face I had dreaded came up again; in front of me, one more time, it seemed more powerful. And I hid somehow from it, not seeing that the face was no longer gazing upon me; it was searching for new victims.

Its cruelties were insatiable, its feelings were nothing real. The kind of the fear for it was more of a willingness to get rid of it. A despicable being, I guess it was.

Revival of Anger

How miserable your knowledge is - and how poor you judge; always in vain you seek your being for it's gone. How unconcerned you dream upon life - you are convinced it is hereafter. Betrayal is abnormally strange to you, though you practise it continuously. A fool you have become - you are not significant, for they are all the same; you are the same fool as you have always been. Though my well-breeding prevents me from calling you what you ought to be called, I assure you that your repeated flaws have determined a revival of anger in my soul.