The Lady

Beloved Companion, my imaginary friend

With your soft sweet voice you wept for me

When even my grief was somehow imaginary;

With your dark eyes you looked upon mine,

You were the only in whom I could confide.

At the stars I looked lying by your side;

In my mind, you made them perfectly align.

We never quarrelled; the distance grew

The tension broke through, I ran to you

You accepted my tears and said you loved them

With a kiss you ended my nightmare.

I warned you upon that selfish cause

I watched you as you unsurprisingly chose

To be of my side; I embraced your love.

But your eyes turned black with violence

As I watched you break down all I had

You barely saw me through your veil;

But you stopped and noticed me

Observing my crying, you came sweetly

And knelt almost imploring, and as you fell

I fell beside you, saying in a whisper

I'll always be here, my dear ...

Reply

There are so many opportunities for me in the world, but do I use them properly? I have thought upon it - I cannot lie. I am looked at with despising eyes; I look back silently. Not once have I seen those eyes. Not once have I endured this. Each time they gazed at me they grew bigger. I have seen it and I know it. The eyes seem wider the closer you are. It is subconsciously known.

I hate being forced to get out of my shell. I hate how they whisper

look, she's here

look at her

have you seen her

she looks disappointing

at last she's come out

Why! They even wonder at my appearance. There is nothing to be done but to look at them in return.

To look at them with nothing in return.

Chapter 18

Quickly embracing the welcoming air of Wharton Park, Lilian hurried to meet its owner. She found him in that particular sitting-room in which they had met so long a time ago.
"Miss Barton!", he exclaimed, immediately noticing her arrival. "How was your journey? I hope the wind has not affected your health for I can see that it is blowing -"
"Yes, it is very windy outside, but I assure you that I have not been affected by this aspect."
The following days they renewed their usual habits, and nothing seemed to make Lilian regret her coming.
One day, after a long walk in the park, Mr Barnes told her:
"Would you mind if my cousin, Miss Welfield, came here too? She has been pressing me to invite her to Wharton Park; it is your opinion that weighs the most for me, my dear Miss Barton."
"Why should she be a burden to me? It is your estate and not mine, and I am sure that her company will be very pleasing."
Gazing in her blue eyes, he replied, "Then I shall write her immediately and tell her that I am at last free of my duties."
"Mr Barnes, how are your cousins?"
"I have not heard from them; I assume they are travelling," he replied, saying no more.
"Was Mrs Downey well when you last saw her?", Lilian added, just to prevent the eventual silence.
"Yes, she looked very well, thank you. Miss Barton, I believe tea time is approaching. Let us go to the sitting-room."
"Mr Barnes, I cannot but remark how punctual and loyal your servants are! Especially that old woman -" she said in a lowered voice, pointing at the servant that was laying the tea things, "- I would love to have someone like her at Barton Hall. Maman always says that our servants cannot be replaced, that they possess the finest qualities decent servants can have; but our servants -  Anne, especially, the one I am the closest to - often consider themselves masters of the place."
"It is indeed interesting; I agree that a servant like Jane, over there, is very hard to find. She has been in this house for more than fifty years."
As they were seated at the table, Lilian exclaimed, "What, fifty years! I assume she was born here, was she not?"
"Yes - her whole family belongs here. Not that it is very large, however; her two sons attend my carriage and my horses, and her daughter is one of the chambermaids. I have heard Jane once," he whispered as the servant left the room, "saying that I am a better master than my father was. He always treated servants as if they were nothing more than ordinary animals. I could not ask anything of him while he lived, but now that - well, now that I am the only master, I intend to behave kindly towards the servants."
"How kind of you, Mr Barnes! I have heard of so many families that show no compassion towards their own servants."
"Miss Barton, how are your agreeable cousins?," he asked suddenly, sensing a change in her countenance and barely refraining from laughing, he looked at Lilian while she answered:
"Why should I know anything of them? Since that particular day, not a word has been exchanged between their party and mine."
A pause was made, while they laughed at the memory of that strange day. "Not a word, I am sure," she added.
Later that evening, Mr Barnes wrote to his cousin; Miss Welfield was expected to be at Wharton Park within the following week. Lilian was at first undisturbed by her coming; but from a time, she began to feel a sentiment that had been never encountered by her heart. Viewing the relationship between her friend and his cousin, she finally recognized a possible attachment. But Mr Barnes' own words came back to her; she heard him once again saying that he would never marry any of his cousins. Doubt had barely overcome Lilian, when Miss Welfield's carriage was seen approaching.
"Miss Barton, it is an exquisite pleasure to meet you again!," she exclaimed, without noticing her own cousin's presence.
"Miss Welfield! There is not a single company through my acquaintance that is dearer to me than yours and your cousin's. How was your journey?"
"Not so pleasant, I am afraid. It was a little draughty today, the carriage advanced harder. Edward, my dear cousin, I barely noticed you were here!" she said, turning to him. "But you should not mind it, for I know you are in knowledge of the reason. Miss Barton almost gleams with beauty. One cannot enter a room without noticing her; especially when she is smiling."
"Do not say so, Miss Welfield; to be honest, there is little in my countenance that awakens admiration.
"How can you be so sure of this?" Then, returning to the formal inquiries, she added, "I do hope your family is well; perhaps you could tell me about your nephew?"
"Why, yes; little Joseph is very well, although he is excessively loved and looked after."
"Why do you find it unlikely? Your sister must be very happy; so must Mr Holmes."
"I quite forgot to say that Mr Holmes seems very indifferent to his son's accomplishments and Emily does not by any means exaggerate in her conduct. It is my mother that looks upon little Joseph with limitless admiration."
"Your mother?! I guess she is very fond of him, is she not?"
"Extremely fond of him, I dare say."
Miss Welfield's stay continued with pleasing conversation, Lilian beginning to doubt her attachment to Mr Barnes. Seldom did Mr Barnes stay with them, for he was constantly needed in Richmond, though none of the two young ladies knew on what purpose. Therefore, Miss Welfield proved herself to be rather eager to describe Mr Barnes' personality to Lilian, emphasizing his virtues. One morning, while Mr Barnes was in town, Miss Welfield told Lilian:
"Miss Barton, have you seen the portraits of Edward's parents?"
"I have not, I am afraid."
"Well, it is clear that Edward has forgotten for he is always showing them to his guests. Do join me, Miss Barton." As they were passing the hallway, she added, "You are amazed at my familiarity towards this place, are you not, Miss Barton? You should not be; My mother is Edward's aunt; she is, apart from me and Mrs Downey, the single relative alive of Edward's. I am afraid that she is very sick and must stay at home. That is perhaps the reason that, during my childhood, I spent more than half of my time here. Edward's father had promised my mother to take care of me; now, as you know, I need to take care of her. Fortunately I can leave my duties for some time, for my father's sister has come to look after her. Oh, look, we are already here!" She said, after entering a very large room. Lilian had thought hitherto that this room served as Mr Barnes'.
"But it is, my dear Miss Barton; though he does not admit it. He is especially attached to this room, for here are hung his parents' portraits. Are they not beautifully painted?"At seeing the two portraits, Lilian could not say a word. The one on the left was Mrs Barnes'. She had been a tall, dark-haired woman with a pleasant complexion. The relation between her and Mr Barnes was evident; their eyes were of the same kind of warmth. His father looked much less pleasing; the portrait almost frowned, and he looked altogether strange. The paintings were indeed very beautifully made and those portrayed seemed almost real.
"These two portraits are indeed very fine, Miss Welfield." She added however, "I cannot yet understand why he has never shown them to me."
"Only he can give you an answer. Wait, what do I hear? It must be him - let us return!"
At hearing a horse running, they immediately hurried to the sitting-room. Mr Barnes found them engaged in a joyous conversation about muslins.
"Lilian!", he exclaimed, barely having entered the room. The familiarity of his calling her so hardly surprised her, as he continued breathlessly,"I have an urgent note from your mother." She immediately arose and took the note. It was announcing that little Joseph was terribly ill and that several doctors had been called to diagnose him, but no answer was given; she collapsed on a chair, and the other two that had seen her change color hurried by her side.
"What is it, Lilian?", Miss Welfield inquired, wiping her face with a wet handkerchief. Mr Barnes said no more, warmly looking at Lilian; the latter was almost crying. He then arose and read that note, and after calling Jane, his loyal servant, and ordering to prepare Miss Barton's luggage for the journey, heard Lilian whisper through tears:
"Miss Welfield - Jane -", taking a breath she continued, "I need to go home, to Joseph - poor little thing; I am guilty for his illness - I have never shown him that exaggerate affection that he needed - the fault is mine, I doubt it not," and as she arose, said, "Mr Barnes, I am urgently needed at home - please excuse my sudden leaving."
With these words, she left, leaving the two in great compassion.

Lasting Time

For I had never known the soul I hurt most;

For I never thought my heart would become this cold

For I had never felt this kind of frost

For these I venture to find the hope I cannot hold.

For those regrets and convincing beliefs I mourn

For these appealing, infatuate sins I weep

For these countless errors I behold

For all these there are wishes to keep.

For my own doing I have endured wars

Within my core but now it is too late.

For I had always hurt those with no doors

At my utmost I beg for a better fate.

What is it that I feel, is it remorse?

What can I desperately need, is it a selfish force?

What have I become, I once again inquire;

But no answer is lent, for I am such a liar.

For a liar is too little to be trusted

And it is my fault that I have become so wrong

But I have never lied, conscious or not
Perhaps I did; but I sure forgot.

Thus I finish; no beginning or end was said

And I barely intend to do so; I've never done it.

As it stays not in my conduct to lead one in dismay

For this I leave an imaginary way.

Chapter 17

Eight weeks after Mr Barnes' departure, an invitation which brought infinite joy to Lilian was received. Mr Barnes was writing to invite her and her parents to Wharton Park, and he mentioned the reason as being 'an unexpected feeling of regret towards his leaving, for their presence was far too necessary for him to stay without for too long'.

"Maman, what should we do? Of course, we must answer the letter positively; I have been so dearly longing for this letter!", Lilian said, careful not to let too much of her feelings possess her tone.

"Yes, Lilian, I believe so," her mother responded, with a distracted look, "you should really go -"

"Maman, why, are you staying here? You must join me! Please, he has invited us all to go; you cannot refuse him!"

"Lilian, had his parents been alive, we should have kept them company, and you two should have walked all day long, talking about your own affairs; but since none of them are alive, I am afraid that Mr Barnes will be too busy to accompany us all, and he shall soon forget your ever being around."

"Maman, this is nonsense! Does father want to stay at home as well?", she said, hopeful.

"I do not know it; will you do me the favor of asking him?"

Sir William answered negatively; he believed as well that his daughter and Mr Barnes' approach would be most possible if neither he or his wife stood in their way. With this remark, Lilian began writing a letter of response; she used the most eligible excuses she could find and hoped for a positive reply.

Dear Mr Barnes,

 

I have received your letter with great joy, and the invitation was more than I had expected; yet my liveliness was plummeted when my parents affirmed that they could not make the journey due to some recent news heard from London. I wish to tell you the matter, though it might seem excessively exaggerated.

My sister Emily wrote this week that my nephew, little Joseph, had made his first steps and that his grandparents were urgently needed in town. I could not believe my ears when I first heard this news. It was a very joyous business indeed; but at receiving your letter, I realized that the world was far too large to remain either at home or in London.

My mother especially considers this a concern of utmost importance; and I can quite see why. Having raised only two daughters, any new happy addition to the important events of the family are welcome.

I, however, have raised no children and I find it an ordinary accomplishment. I was too little when my own sister walked by herself. Therefore, I wish to accompany you at Wharton Park, as long as both time and my mother permit.

In your last letter you asked whether Mr Taylor had arrived at Ellsworth Manor. Despite Miss Holmeses' stupefaction, this gentleman has not come, even after two whole months after his engagement to do so. It is your opinion of him that has made me not wonder at it; you have said that, despite his delightful charms, he is very easily distracted and often forgets about his duties. I cannot agree with you more at present.

However, Miss Cassandra has been continuously praising his virtues and I dare say that I am pleased with the thought of an upcoming departure from her side. I guess that her sister is more than exhausted and full of Mr Taylor, but I think it an unimportant concern for your attention.

I sincerely hope that your health is uninterruptedly good, and that your cousins, Miss Welfield and Captain and Mrs Downey are in a good state. My whole family greets you and my parents secretly apologize for not joining me to Richmond. I remain,

Yours ever,

Lilian Barton

This letter brought doubt into Lilian's mind; she knew not whether to sign it as 'Mr Barnes' friend' or to keep the cordial distance between them. The latter choice appeared more appropriate and she became very keen on the visit.

The second morning, however, the London party arrived unexpectedly, bringing little Joseph to Lilian for the first time. She was very pleased with the child and agreed that his features and virtues are unique, glancing at Lady Elizabeth every now and then. Her mother's reaction was positive and she repeatedly affirmed that she had known that the little one's accomplishments would impress Lilian, right after seeing him. Lilian was however struck by the sight of one of Emily's faults in Joseph's countenance. He refused to play with any of the toys Lady Elizabeth had provided for him; neither Emily, nor the eldest Joseph noticed it, although Lilian trusted the latter's quick eye and impartiality upon everything. It was not so accurate an observation, for the child was barely a year old; alas, this can be of no further importance.

Mr Barnes' response came very soon after Lilian's letter had been sent. Her departure was settled to be at the beginning of February, because Lady Elizabeth considered it to be the best time of the year, being not so wet and cold as December or January.

"It would be, however, better if you left in March, or perhaps in April, Lilian," she said.

"No, it is very well as it has been settled, mother; Mr Barnes would think very ill of me if he knew that I postponed the journey."

"But consider it, Lilian, Emily has just come; think of little Joseph! Would it not be very sad if his only aunt left him?"

"My nephew is very sweet and playful, yet I believe that his company in the present state is enough for him."

"Very well, you are leaving next month."

This particular month passed slowly to Lilian, for she was very eager to see Mr Barnes and his estate again. Emily's concerns were all about little Joseph; her husband barely talked about anything else, and only to Sir William. Lady Elizabeth's attention was undoubtedly aimed towards the child, therefore Lilian found entertainment in watching her nephew from time to time. When the waiting was over, she suddenly felt a need to leave Barton Hall. No sooner had this need faded, than she was entering the missed fields of Wharton Park.

Appealing

It is bad indeed and stupid for my dignity

To express my wish of never have known thee

Nor thine shallow remarks of peace

That thou pretendst to find in these.

For it is known as a dark place

But thou seemst to see grace

In its countless dungeons and corners

Of thousands of souls in terror.

But I, how loudly doth I speak?

It is my mind at its own peak

That shouts at seeing you composed

For it is darkness thou lovest most.

I, thou, we all must run and hide

And seek that further, so we see the light

Which was left us, by infinite love

We all know it comes from Above.

I cannot whisper it to thee,

It is too far for me to be

By thine side, for I've retired;

Will I ever be admired?

Chapter 16

Mrs Ford received the letter, but replied that she could not engage herself to come to Barton Hall, for her situation was unstable at the time, due to some relatives that could not decide whether to invite her or not to spend some time at them. The party remained therefore the same, with some interferences from Misses Cassandra and Catherine Holmes, who were, apparently, very pleased with Mr Barnes' company. Noticing this, Lilian wrote to her sister an account of the conduct of the two, but only received a letter in which her sister stated that little Joseph was very lovely and that she should not think of Mr Barnes as her property. "If Emily herself thinks only of her son, what will I do from now on? I cannot stay silent for too long, nor can I tell the two; revealing the truth to Mr Barnes is not even thought of - perhaps I have to try my nerves and I shall not say a word to anyone."

From a time, only Catherine Holmes, the youngest sister, called on them, for her elder sister was visiting some cousins in Bath. Catherine was very distant towards Lilian, and the latter was convinced that she knew the reason; Mr Barnes showed himself very pleasant and friendly, which increased Catherine's hopes of his developing affection for herself. Lilian did not know what to believe, and therefore she promised herself to wait until the day that Mr Barnes proposes either to her or to Catherine Holmes. This did not happen, however, and Lilian's thoughts were left aside when Miss Cassandra Holmes, very delighted with her previous visit, returned home talking only of a certain Mr Taylor. When she, her sister and Lilian were left alone, Miss Cassandra expressed how delighted with Mr Taylor she was. Not only that he was young, very handsome and rich, but he also seemed to be just what he ought to be: very amiable and quick of mind.

Lilian was happy for her to have found such a man, but she was more inclined to spend every second with Mr Barnes, because she felt that his stay was not going to be long. Mr Barnes was however sent away every time Miss Cassandra needed to talk about her affection for Mr Taylor, and Lilian would have rather joined Mr Barnes in his walks than listen to the repeated accounts of this gentleman. Yet she could not, for each time she wished to go with him, Miss Cassandra found another great virtue of Mr Taylor.

Arriving home from the Holmeses, Lilian told her mother, "I cannot bear one more second in the presence of Miss Cassandra! She is always saying how many novels Mr Taylor has read, how many carriages he keeps, how much time he spends on conversing with others, tell me, mother, do I ever do that?"

"Why, I cannot tell, for you do not recognize someone as being this accomplished."

"Maman, you have quite spotted him and I am afraid that you have known before myself that my every thought is and refers to Mr Barnes. I never act like she does and I cannot even say anything concerning him -"

"Lilian, as soon as he is gone, you shall be talking of him a great deal, I do not doubt it."

The conversation was shortened by the entrance of Mr Barnes, who immediately said:

"I have been informed of Miss Holmes' acquaintance of Charles Taylor, an old friend of Mr Holmes and mine. She must have told you of his countless accomplishments, has she not?"

"I can hardly bear one more thing about him, I dare say," Lilian said.

"I am very surprised to hear that, for he has bewitched every young lady that ever stood in his way. Of course, you have not yet met him, therefore your opinion shall change."

"No, I do not think so, for Miss Holmes has spoken so much of him, that I shall find his very presence hard to stand."

"But what is it, Mr Barnes? You seem to dislike this old friend," Lady Elizabeth added, after a strange silence.

"I simply do not like to be around him. I think he is very disagreeable, although I have not come to express my own opinion of him, but to announce his coming at Ellsworth Manor."

"What, is he coming already? But it has been only one week since Miss Holmes returned!"

"I was as surprised as you both, yet it would not do. He is coming during the following month."

"This is so unsual! Well, if we do not enjoy his company, we shall have yours which is excessively pleasant," Lady Elizabeth said.

"I am afraid you will not, for I am needed at Wharton Park, and I must leave as soon as possible."

At this Lilian responded with a very confused look. He looked indeed disturbed by something beyond her awareness and asked him, as calmly as she could:

"Mr Barnes, you must tell me if I am wrong when I say that something has urged you to leave. It may be your being needed in Richmond, yet I cannot help feeling that it is me you need to get rid of."

At her words, Mr Barnes spoke with great compassion and sincerity, "Miss Barton, you have been and still are a very amiable person, and not even once have I wished to get rid of you. I must excuse for my leading you to believe so, but I am truly obliged to be in Richmond, and I am afraid mostly that my repeated stays at Barton Hall have caused you boredom."

"Mr Barnes, it is very upsetting to know that you are thinking in this manner," Lady Elizabeth said. "You are a great companion to my daughter, in these days of solitude, and we never get bored in your presence."

"This is very pleasing, but I am still needed at Wharton Park. This shall lead to another separation, and I cannot make a future engagement as to see you."

Lady Elizabeth was struck by an outstanding idea. "Mr Barnes," she then exclaimed, "what if you take Lilian with you? Since she shall be bored in your absence, and you are needed in another place, will it not be most pleasant for both of you to spend more time in the company of each other?"

"Maman, how can you ask Mr Barnes such a thing? I am sure that he is very anxious to get rid of me himself; why should you lengthen this anxiety?!"

"Miss Barton, there is no objection as far as I am concerned. You must remember that your mother only wants your own comfort and happiness. I cannot disagree with any of her inquiries and demands. It is however your opinion that weights the most."

"I believe that I am soon to become dreadful to bear, depend upon it, Mr Barnes, during this year, you have spent more than five months in my company!"

"And does this represent a problem for you, Miss Barton?"

"I am worried about your state, for I think of myself to be very boring."

"Lilian, you cannot think of yourself this way!" her mother cried.

"Maman, I am sure that Mr Barnes thinks the same, and a separation is truly needed."

At this remark, Mr Barnes only smiled and this assured Lilian of his feeling the same. The following morning, he set off, after hearing many complaints about his sudden leaving from Lady Elizabeth, and Lilian, from that day, did not go outdoors at all, for she feared that she would meet the Holmes sisters, who would ask her strange questions; this fear was hardly justified, and Lady Elizabeth tried to explain her, but in vain. Occasionally, a letter was sent to London, but no answer made her happy enough.