Prologue? A new beginning?

I waste my time -and still I love it.

And I waste yours too, but I deny it.

And, again, I begin the same story within

And the same cover outside.

'Yes', 'no', 'and', 'but' mess me up

And my lines too, because there's nothing

That stands for a beginning

And there's no such thing as a close-up.

All of me is much the same.

I live now, and ease the pain

But the pain is nothing real

Because, why?, I cannot feel.

Oddly!

"A pleasant dream comes when you think less
A flattering smile comes with forgiveness
And all your gentle thoughts wash away,
As soon as you come to think of the day.",

I oddly wrote once, and it was only the fault of rhyme

That this writing came so artful, and not so fine

It's quite true there's a bit of truth in it,

But oddly, I still think it didn't fit.

The first line, well, I'm ashamed

That I deny now what I've planned

There are hours of thinking

Before you find yourself sleeping.

And how you sleep, God, it is to see

A nightmare, or a pleasant dream, it may be

And you are barely surprised

At how oddly I told lies.

Well, yes, a flattering smile flatters

A forgiving smile eases

But they don't go together

Just like sadness and bad weather.

And who ever said that your thoughts were gentle

And that they're erased with a handful of sentimental

Talk and chat and other styles

Of masking unwanted lies?

Really, don't be afraid of a morning

Or of an innocent evening

Because, after all, this is what we own

Of all the stuff we really show.

Sunrise

I do not mean to harden your soul

By the things that will take toll

As well as the feelings I will awake

And maybe, the hearts I'll break.

Few have seen the sunset fall

Yet fewer tried to see it all

And yet, none of them have wanted

To see it rise upon the sky, as haunted.

But many have seen it in a picture

Seeking its adventure

And yet, it did not quite spread

Its rays, as if it were long dead.

Many centuries have gone, and God knows

If many are still to come, which follows

My opinion that nothing is laid just to be seen

As only a shape - by no means!

This Prologue

It is said that the more you approve of the world, the less you want to be yourself. At least I say so whenever I get the chance of translating my own feelings and sentiments. It has been some time since I last expressed what I truly felt. I fell deeper and deeper in my own heart, and then, people that had the patience of listening to my eternal complaint were getting less and less.

Well, I renewed my acquaintance and soon found myself in the middle of a conflict between my old personality and the new one that was as persistent as the scent of burnt hair can only be. My old person barely survived after the repeated attacks. My old reactions, feelings and prejudices remained the same. As to the meaning of some words put together, my opinion changed a lot. My passion for dark places dissolved in the love of open, bright spaces. It was partially because I had been hurt by something that wasn't meant to happen. And then, I came to believe in wonders. Well, I've always been afraid of the dark.

!

I am lost in the balance I tried to keep

Between the easy and the too deep

I am lost in the balance of my words

Between the thoughtless ...and the others

I am now lost in my own mind

Between the very different ...and mine.

I am now thrown in the place of losing

In time I hope I'll stop refusing

I am now hidden before a face

That I didn't see these days.

I am lost in the faithful chance I asked

I would yet try anything to unmask

Things I did not approve and at last

I end this by saying my apology

For what I meant but didn't see.

-27-

Wait, I'm desperately screaming.

No, (dear, you're so unforgiving)

My good opinion is lost now

And lost forever, you can't back down,

No, I say,

and then you go and play

Your horrid game,

and I don't know how I came

To join you, and I know I do

And you enjoy letting me fall

and you say

You're like them all

Too Late to Matter

I pretended your intentions and thought you one of mine

Although hope for understanding was never present in your mind

I abandoned and forgot you with no sense of shame

And stood in my eternal want of fame.

Before, I wasn't close enough to you to be real

Nor were you for me, so how could I feel

Or even sense the change in the blank paper

I kept saying I'd fill later?

And I, heartly laughing, I went towards you

And noticed the lack of smile which I thought that wasn't true

And you, you that walked away once upon a time

Stood impetuously as if the fault were mine.

And you said that the time was over long before

I even remembered you once were

A part of my acquaintance and yet I exposed

Little feeling of somewhat of a remorse.

As they expressed this was the ultimate form of nonsense

I looked away and blushed behind a face

That used to mask so many passed smiles of ease

That you were never able to release!

But as you look with disgust at me,

You, the one who should not be

Present before me, the one I should avoid

You, who instantly touched and destroyed.

For there was something that brought misery

To every glimpse my eyes could carry

And none can stand to believe these are mine

That my mind can so combine.

What else is there more to transpose

Than the sudden feelings your rejection arose

And that I'm not guilty for what I chose?

The Story of Who I Am

Where is the black place I was frightened by?

Where is the lack of space I couldn't pass by?

Once, I feared the loss of a choice

And hid my fear in a loss of voice.

Well, then, I would see that finally

It would all come back to me.

That I would speak out and let them show

The words I before did not know

Could exist in my mind,

But then, what am I?

A cute liar that is better than some

And worse than few others

But then, where have I come?

In the perfect state of pride.

I can't deny I lied

To those who weren't prepared

For my words of who I am

And still they seem surprised

That I so easily could lie.

Who are you? they cry out

And what have you done to her?

Please, that's just what doesn't matter

Because that's not what I'm about.

I shouldn't be concerned of the presence

I desperately avoided

Because it is them that should be confronted

With those fears of commonsense.

But then, there's none left

And they shout aloud

That not I, nor anyone else

Knows how hard it is.

And so I turn around

And keep turning my head to see what my own actions could do

And my own hands could hurt

And my own eyes could poison

With the pain of truth.

This time I will hide my voice as always,

without your acknowledge of doing so.

I will surrender to propriety

because it hurts every cell of my soul.

As I was thinking that I knew you

I was missing a few points of your behaviour

That did nothing but ruined my hopes

But as I always did, I hid what I discovered.

And now I say it doesn't matter

And that my mind will not shatter

When you'll press against the glass

I stand behind, but cannot pass.

Indeed, I Am

I could see with my eyes how you wished to push me out

Of there, like I had made you doubt

My true value in the world

But then, I should have hated myself for what I've done

To you, but see, indeed I am the worst enemy

A great companion can have.

Indeed I am the last person you wish you knew

Indeed you are more than the friend I wish I had

But then, one only believes what one's fantasies seem

Indeed I am the most creative one of all.

I should have seen that when I looked upon you

But I was blind-folded by my own thoughts

I believed that 'wait, you feel the same as me'

And so I let you be whatever you dreamt

And I kept nodding to myself.

And yet I do not really know

To whom I intend to write this song

Maybe it should stay like this a long,

Long time, before I seek and find

The truth I am and the lies I have

Beneath those false regrets I face

Indeed I am the worst place

You have gone too many times.

The Picture Frame

You cannot see past your picture frame. There, inside, are all the things you can bear. There are ordinary girls, each one with something more or less special. Deep down, you wish they formed a new shape, one only, that would reach the form of perfection. You have become a hopeless person, thinking that the perfect shape will never knock at your door. You look too close to see the perfection behind the canvas. Do you see a dim, grey shadow crawling beneath your common characters? If yes, please, guess.

Look! near the lake, two lovers sit

They look happy, do not they?

They are the results of your actions

When you tried to experience

Everything you heard

There is a drawing that you made

When you were older

It is now finished and laid

In another corner of your picture.

Look! there is also an angry face

It's seeking its way out

There are willows and their high branches

Reach the upper frame of the space.

And look! there are more branches

On your black ground,

I hate how they crawl towards me

When I try to reach for you.

How is it real that you give signs

Whenever I need them?

...But then, when I need you most

You draw a wall of lines.

Look! there is she, and she, and she

And she, and he, and she, and he

And he, and she, and he, and you

But why is it not a me in it?

If I could only break the glass of your picture and make you believe that you cannot fill one with hope and then disappear without making an excuse! If I could only let you know the struggles I face when I see you approaching (and hoping that you struggle too from not courting a smile), but no, no, no.

You have another circle in which you spin and I cannot break it even though I have asked you most warmly to let me in.
But only God knows how you feel (and if you really feel anything for a poor closed-up girl like me). I would ask you, but your answers could be uncertain, as if I am not worthy for your sincerity.

What hopes I have encountered and what failures you have provoked! And even now, when I have hurt many hearts and feelings, I still let you hurt mine.

What will this waiting lead to?

I Would

If you told me to vanish

In my cloud of rose-red smoke

In my face, and not in my mind

I would, I would.

If you told me to tell you

My reasons of crying

Your eyes looking at me, and not my mind

I would, I would.

If you begged me to sing

you to sleep

Your voice whispering to me, and not mine

I would, I would.

I would do everything that propriety

Lets me, was it from you

But as long as I imagine my life

And live the one I should be thinking of

There's nothing to hold on to.

I would, if you let me.

Would you, if you knew?

How to Win a Heart

Is it that hard

...and needed

to

have beside your own,

one more that you can call your love?

Little as I know,

I cannot yet tell my opinion

Without someone's disliking and

Bad response, but my worst fear

is that I shall lose my own esteem

And my own integrity

and pride

But is it that hard

...and needed

to share this "moment"

All the singers sing of

All the writers write about

All the people talk about

As if it were hard

...and needed

to be alone,

yet being beside one

(to call it your own)

(to share a "moment")

(to lie beside)

(to reach for)

is hard and wanted

Yet not that accomplished

As I dream of

and search for

and try onto

and keep dreaming of a heart,

searching for his knowledge,

trying to make him see

That winning a heart is not as easy as

being alone

can

be.