Voluntarily Disposed

I was
Voluntarily disposed
To seek your attention
and cry at its absence.
but your memory, once warm and twice cold
has left me in reluctance
against myself, and even if I'd been told
that you would never be my dream
I still bellow at myself, in horrid frost
that you have forever and a day been
what I needed but did not have the most.

You were
Voluntarily disposed
To spare me if you must
and never indulge me with the cost
of your heartfelt kindness
but still I do think a thought hopeless
in itself - fiendishly impaling
my mind still to you was failing
I still bellow at myself, when in the dark
Why were you bestowed such power to mark
Just one or two
thousand lives turned down for you?--
In deception I stood then, and I turn my head
To face presently your shadows, to which I'm led;
In concern you never laid, whereas thither I slept
For your welfare hundreds of thoughts I kept.

You and I were
Voluntarily disposed
To change our lives to betterment
Though you pretended your judgement
Superior to everybody's - I did thus too
Mine was a better conscience,
You were hollow, meant only defiance
 I did not know, but this I can conceal--
But you searched forever for a better appeal
And in the shallow world you pretend to possess
There is no hope for me to address
Myself to your person, but this I'm aware
Yes, this I know well... and this I can bear!
But your scorn, never will I cope to fight
My army as it be, try as I might.

We were
Voluntarily disposed
To at once let go of each other
By your will only, for had you not bothered
To turn away from me, I would have learnt to be
Much more than I was then, but maybe
I still had a great lesson to be taught
The lesson that your leaving then brought
But this is how I learnt to seek
No one's attention, so thus I know to speak
For myself, without your doubts involved
Nothing I know now have I been ere told.
You were the notion of what I wished for most
But never have you been the one I wished lost.